Voldemort's Diary
by Mera004
Summary: I think the title says enough. Voldemort writes in his diary for the 1st time and talks about his average daily activities. From plotting Harry’s death to having tea with a few Death Eaters, the Dark Lord may take us by surprise.
1. Daily Activities

**Author's Notes**: Ok, so this is my first ever Harry Potter fanfiction (not first fanfiction, just first HP fanfiction). So yeah, just to let you know. For now, it's just a One-Shot, BUT if I get a lot of good reviewers who want this to continue, then I will give it a try. So please let me know if you like it or not, and if you think Voldemort should definitely write more. :D Well now go ahead and read and I hope you enjoy!

Special thanks to my beta-reader/editor Serene Seer! Without her, I would have uploaded this comma-crazy story.

**ANOTHER NOTE**: For some reason, the strikethroughs aren't working, so I'm sending an email to to figure out why. So for now, the parts that are supposed to have strikethroughs are in ((double parentheses)) like that. Basically, it means Voldemort crossed it out. I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of strikethroughs right now because it ruins the effect, but this is what I shall have to deal with for now. Sorry! Please enjoy regardless.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or Voldemort or any of the other Death Eaters. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling. And Voldemort owns his diary.

**Voldemort's Diary**

_August 8_

Dear Diary,

This is the first time I am writing in this, as you may see. Therefore, I am going to write about a typical day in the life of me—Lord Voldemort. I am an incredibly busy man.

At 6 A.M. I wake up, but I do not get up till about 15 minutes later. Then, I go to the bathroom and shave my face ((and legs)). I may take a shower, but usually I take a shower about once a week. Showers are of little importance to powerful wizards such as I. Afterwards, I get dressed, of course. It would not do for powerful wizards to run amok in the nude. Such a disgrace, really. Then, I eat breakfast at around 7:00. Ordinarily, I eat waffles while watching the show _Spongebob Squarepants_ at 7:30 (yes, I have a television. I cannot allow foolish Muggles to surpass me, and therefore must know all their secrets). Also, I feed my pet snake, Nagini. I do not like to brush my teeth, so they are rarely ever cleaned. The yellowness invokes fear in others. Do not even bother imagining Lord Voldemort brushing his sinister teeth. It is for the weak-toothed.

Later, I do my usual morning exercises, at 8 A.M. Indeed, a dark lord must stay in shape. This generally consists of jogging and throwing curses at insects, small animals, and random Barbie dolls that may cross my path. When I am bored, I shine my shield or I have intellectual conversations with Nagini (no, she does not speak back, but Lord Voldemort can accomplish anything). At 9, I plot the death of Harry Potter. This is always part of my regular routine, at precisely 9:00 A.M. Plot Harry Potter's demise. Yes. He is a boy who I attempted to kill when he was a mere infant. Unfortunately, he is not yet dead, but I am going to kill him. ((Secretly, I am jealous of his glasses and green eyes. That's why I killed his parents too. James—glasses. Lily—green eyes. Hmm… well this is not relevant, is it?))

At 10 o'clock, I have a meeting with my loyal Death Eaters. We speak of plans to kill Harry Potter, to kill Muggles, to kill friends of Harry Potter, to kill Mudbloods, to kill Harry Potter, to kill blood traitors, to kill the Minister of Magic, and finally, to kill Harry Potter. All while eating donuts. Yes, amazing, is it not? My Death Eaters are known for their multi-tasking. After the meeting, I eat lunch. My favorite is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Sometimes, I eat cat sandwiches, or when I want to lose some pounds, I would eat a salad. Again, powerful wizards need to stay in shape.

Then I have fun! At noon, I play pranks or I play Quidditch with Wormtail, Snape, Lucius and Draco Malfoy, and other Death Eaters. I also enjoy skateboarding, singing, and dancing. But at 1 P.M., I have household chores. Powerful wizards need to give the illusion of good work. However, it is rather tedious. I water the flowers and once a week, I mow the lawn. I even walk the neighbor's dog. Yet, dogs are meant to be eaten, not walked. I do not understand this walking-of-dogs-business, but to earn some cash…

Nevertheless, I have fun again! At 2 o'clock, I slit the throats of Muggles, and the Muggles in turn, die. ((Hooray! I mean—)) Yes, it is quite amusing. Usually, I kill at least two Muggles a day. Then, at 3, I invite some Death Eaters (ordinarily, Wormtail, Malfoy, and Snape) over for some tea and crumpets. I also like cake. They must bring the cake, of course. After they leave, I must clean up after them (they are rather messy individuals). Then, I like to do the laundry((, just for the hell of it)).

At 5 o'clock, I use this amazing thing called the Internet. How in the hell do these damn Muggles come up with these things! Excuse the language, Diary. So that is yet another point to add to my ever-growing list of "Reasons Why Muggles and Mudbloods Must Die". Ahem. Back to the Internet. I like to go on AIM to instant message snapeybot (much more entertaining then speaking to the real Snape), as well as maintaining my "I Hate Harry Potter" website. Then, after I have had my fun, I start making dinner and at 6, I eat. I like steak, roast dog, pizza, and Chinese food. ((Not that take-out crap.)) Afterwards, I must feed Nagini and then do the dishes. At 7, I take Nagini out to walk. On occasion, I kill a Muggle child or two.

Then, at 8 o'clock, I watch TV. I particularly like the shows "Law and Order" and "CSI". I generally laugh at all the ridiculous crimes and such. Later, at 9, I write new plans for killing Harry Potter and other people. While I am at it, I laugh about the people that I have killed who Potter cares about (Sirius Black and Albus Dumbledore, for example). And then, I conduct my nightly reading of the Harry Potter books (at around 10 o'clock) because I want to learn about this Potter figure. Plus, I love J.K. Rowling's writing. Magnificent. My favorite characters are Voldemort (such a dashing fellow, really; I would like very much to meet him someday…), Colin Creevey, Professor Binns, Remus Lupin, and Dobby. They are indeed bizarre individuals. I must have read each Harry Potter book at least 10 times.

Finally, at 11 o'clock, I prepare for bed. I wash my face, and maybe if they are beginning to turn green, I brush my teeth. Next, I proceed to put on my pajamas, and in turn, go to bed. And that, Diary, is a typical day for Lord Voldemort! Bravo! Tomorrow, I shall write of my secret crush.  Until then!

With all my love,

Voldemort ♥

**A/N**: So yes, that is that. If you'd like me to continue on with this idea, by all means, let me know in a review. If not, or if you don't really care either way, just say so. I shall just go with the flow of things. But please do review if you can. I would very much appreciate any comments or constructive criticism. Thank you very much for reading!

By the way, in case you don't know, you can indeed talk to snapeybot on AIM (it's just a bot of course, but still amusing nonetheless). The screen name is snapeybot 1 (yes, there is a space between the letters and the 1). Just if you're interested. :D Ta-ta!


	2. Problems, Confessions, and Dreams

**Author's Notes**: Hey! Sorry it took so long, but I'm back again and as you can see, I decided to write more. Thanks so much to those who reviewed! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

I have not fixed that strikethrough problem yet, and I don't think that will ever get properly resolved, so I'm going to have to continue with the ((double parentheses)) thing. Unfortunately, I'm just going to try not to bother with Voldemort crossing things out so much anymore. After all, it's his diary, so he can write whatever he wants and leave it at that, right?

Also, I made a horrible mistake in the last chapter with Voldemort talking to Nagini. Forgot he was a Parselmouth. Hehe… Thanks to **Silver Sailor Ganymede** for letting me know about that! And thanks also for the suggestion, which I took into consideration and did my own thing with it. :)

And before I move on, I shall once again thank **Serene Seer** for editing my story and helping me out. I don't know what I'd do without her. :D

-

**Disclaimer**: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and Voldemort his diary. I'm just a fanfiction writer.

**Voldemort's Diary **

_**August 28  
**_

Dear Diary,

I apologise for not writing back as soon as I had intended. I had to schedule extra Death Eater meetings because summer vacation is ending soon. Yes, we have summer vacation, too. Not only that, I apparently was a bit ill. It turns out that I am suffering some sort of memory loss. I had somehow forgotten how to speak Parseltongue properly and did not realise that Nagini can indeed speak back to me, after all. The mediwitch said that I was an idiot, but no matter.

She is dead now.

Alas, Nagini is now very angry with me and refuses to speak at all. At first, I worried that my Parseltongue issues were not yet over. However, I recently had quite a lovely conversation with one at the zoo with Severus the other day. Poor Severus seemed rather bored though, so I had to say my good-byes to the kind fellow. After I realised that I could speak to snakes relatively fine now, I knew immediately that there was something wrong with Nagini. I arrived home and tried once again to speak to her.

No luck.

She simply turned away and slithered to her room in silence. This broke my heart. And, mind you, that is saying something. The Dark Lord cannot be saddened so easily, yet I care very deeply for Nagini. She is special to me in many ways. At times like these, I wonder why I even bothered getting a pet. On the other hand, I figured that since I somewhat resemble a snake and because I am a Parselmouth, a snake was the ideal pet for me. Not to mention that snakes tend to elicit great fear in others.

I need that extra boost of fear at times. Just like my yellowing teeth and horrible stench.

At any rate, I have other things to write about at the moment. Let me see here… ah! I mentioned that I would write of my secret crush. Well, Diary, I would like you to guess first. Yes, that's it. Guess. …. No? No clue whatsoever, eh? Well, I shall give some hints.

He is not dead.

Alright, that was two hints. He is male and not dead.

No, not Harry Potter, you dolt. ((I am merely jealous of his green eyes and glasses! Or, err—no!))

Hm, well, my crush suffers from some specific _problem_…

And he is not a Death Eater. … So… Have you figured it out, yet?

…Okay, fine, I admit it. It is… Remus Lupin. I confess. I do not understand it, Diary. A werewolf, for goodness sake! Maybe I am attracted to the werewolf side of him because werewolves tend to be on the Dark side. My side. But he is not. I do not know, Diary, but maybe it is because he is somewhat "unattainable" for me. Is that it, Diary? I am wondering if I should just forget him and move on.

Or if I should kidnap him.

Or send him some flowers. Dead decapitated ones.

The last option is becoming more and more likely… Although, I do find that Dobby character to be quite attractive. Well, he is not exactly my type. ((Maybe that Hagrid oaf…. No, no—that will not do…))

On another note, I have discovered a new favorite snack of mine.

Chocolate chip cookies dipped in mayonnaise and mustard.

Indeed. Absolutely delectable.

And the mustard gives it a little kick. Mayonnaise balances things out a bit. And the chocolate chips for my sweet tooth. It is perfect.

Speaking of food, I decided to take this cooking class. I really do enjoy good cuisine, so why not learn of it further? I think first-hand practice will do nicely for me. Hopefully, I will be able to beg Nagini for forgiveness through food. So, the first class was today. It was interesting. We did introductions and such and then went over some basics. I had to endure signing up for a Muggle class, of course. I cannot risk the Ministry catching me while I take a Wizarding cooking class! But, with foolish Muggles, I can stay undercover. They will not recognise me, and even if they did, a simple _Avada Kedavra_ should do the trick.

Insert malicious, maniacal laugh here.

Oh! I just remembered. I had a particularly peculiar (say that three times fast) dream last night.

First, I was sitting on a park bench, and there were children running around and being silly. I apparently had a cold, because I was constantly coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose. And the children were probably the cause of it. Damn them…. They were probably Muggles.

And then, all of a sudden, a dictionary was thrown at my face, and I suddenly had one eye! With an eyelash in it. It was very bothersome. Next thing you know, my teeth were falling out, and I stood up suddenly in surprise.

Only to find myself pregnant!

I ran to the hospital, where the mediwitch told me that the baby was dying and had a scar on its … nose. I do not know why.

Then, out of nowhere, a goat came running down the halls of the maternity ward right into me. When I got up from the fall, I found myself to be in a graveyard. But, instead of being dark and gloomy like most graveyards, this one was bright and happy. It was completely absurd!

Then, a cheetah arrived and handed me an index of oxymorons. This was especially ridiculous, because I have no need of such an index, nor can cheetahs "hand" things to anyone! Subsequently, the cheetah pointed me in the direction of a house on top of a hill, and thus I walked in that direction.

With my index of oxymorons.

As I was hiking my way up the hill, which suddenly became very steep, I fell into a hole, and found myself falling through a dark abyss.

And then—I woke up.

I think maybe this dream was a result of my killing that foolish mediwitch that called me an idiot last week. No matter. I shall not let it bother me. Even so, it was an exceptionally odd dream.

Well, I really must go now. I have yet another meeting with the Death Eaters tomorrow morning, and I really do need my ((beauty)) rest. Malevolent, sinister lords such as myself need to recuperate after a long day of evil.

Certainly the cooking class was considerably cunning. Alliteration indeed.

Especially given that I need to prepare for a little discussion with Wormtail immediately following the meeting. I really need to let him know to stop eating at that Muggle Mickey Mack Donald or whatnot and lose some weight, for once. It makes me sick just looking at the wretched thing.

Much Love to My Darling Diary,

Voldemort ♥

-

**A/N**: So that's that. Now you know Voldemort's current secret crush. He might change his mind every now and then, but there you go. I really tried to make this chapter a bit longer than the previous so that's part of the reason why it took so long to get this out. But mainly because I got really busy the past couple of weeks, and now it's my last day of summer. :(

Well, I hope you enjoyed it! Please feel free to give some suggestions on what Voldemort should write about in his wonderful diary! And **please review**! Those are very, _very_ much appreciated. :D Thanks!


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